Deep Thoughts #1

I realize that by titling this post "#1" I may be causing you to assume that I will make more posts like this one. Don't. You know you can't count on me to post reliably, let alone predictably. I don't usually post deep stuff on here. I save that for my personal conversations, but David's sermon yesterday bears some reflection, so here goes. Hope it's not too disjointed for you to follow.

For a sermon to touch my heart, it has to get through all the noise and distraction of my kiddos and my inner dialogue. Therefore yesterday's topic was pretty powerful. I won't bore you with a recap of the sermon. If you missed it, go to www.vrcc.net and listen from there.

What was important to me was my reaction. David asked, "What if you only spoke to your spouse or children as often as you speak to God in prayer?" Wow! In my case, that would be pretty silent. Which got me to thinking about my relationship with God.

Lately, it seems that I'm running in circles--take Katelyn to school, get Joshua down for his nap, do the laundry, clean the house, grocery shop, visit with my friends, call my mom, check my email, get Katelyn & Joshua down for a nap, rest, email, watch my Tivo'd shows, fix dinner, feed the kids, bathe the kids...Oh, yeah! Don't forget your new children's ministry job, get your clothes ready to consign, shop for deals to resell at consignment...The list goes on and on. And when I get a chance to sit and relax, what do I do? I channel surf, surf the Net (lots of surfing going on...), take a nap, read a book (no, not the Bible), talk on the phone. Almost anything to avoid being completely still & in communion with God. I go to church every time the doors are open. I write my checks. I teach classes. I greet visitors. I go to Home Teams. I do all the things a good Christian is supposed to do.

Did you notice that all those sentences start with "I"? Perhaps that's not a coincidence. Maybe I need to slow down and let God do some talking and some working. Here's the problem. Have you ever had someone that you were really close to? You talked all the time. You went out together. You told each other everything. Then somewhere along the way, for whatever reason, you drifted apart. One day, you see their profile on facebook. You want to message them and say, hey, what's up? Only now it's awkward. You haven't spoken in a while and you don't even know if they're married, have kids, have a job, remember you, whatever. That's how I feel with God right now. I know it's foolish, but I feel like if I say, "Dear Lord...", he'll look down and go, "Who's calling me? LaRae? Do I know her? Oh, yeah. Girl, where've you been? Why are you calling me now? Oh, you need something, huh? Feeling like you're at the end of your rope? Well, duh, you can't do it yourself." I know He's overjoyed when 1 of 100 sheep returns, but right now it just feels...embarrassing, somehow, to know that I've lost my way so badly. Is this my perfectionism rearing it's ugly head again? Is it evidence of me still trying to be in control?

Whatever it is, I have to figure out what this "personal relationship with Jesus Christ" looks like for me. I have a hunch it means turning off the noise (including my own mouth) and taking time to listen & remember that God has been faithful to me even when I'm not being particularly faithful to Him.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I have 2 requests. 1) Please remember me in your prayers right now. 2) Please don't tell me I'm being too hard on myself. I know I'm a good worker for the Lord. What I want to be is more in tune with The Spirit. I want my kids to know that I have a relationship with Jesus. I want them to know that church is not where we go to work, it's where we go to worship/adore/praise God and that we work because He is good, not because we are good.

Okay, aaaaaand, done.